This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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