Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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