i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm passing your future prison.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Randomize
