I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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