You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
