I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Randomize
