I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
