i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Are we still banned from the library?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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