Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
