I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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