mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
