i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
