Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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