So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
