Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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