discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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