My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
