so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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