I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
