Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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