Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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