I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He? As in you personified your dick?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
