thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
