Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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