You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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