my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
