Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It's blow job season.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
