Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
