My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
