Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Randomize
