dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
