Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
