guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
