I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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