Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Are my feet made of real feet?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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