I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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