i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
