you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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