the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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