3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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