There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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