i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
