you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
