I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
