WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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