is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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