Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just sent this text using only my big toe
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Never joke about your clitoris.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
