i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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