I haven't been this sober since birth.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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