just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
