Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
