I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
