dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
