i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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