Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
